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Why Letting Kids Lose Matters More Than We Think
Many of us grew up in spaces where losing was unacceptable, shamed, made fun of, or handled poorly. But many of us grew up in classrooms, sports teams, or family games where everyone got a prize not matter what. A sticker for participating. A trophy for showing up. A reward whether you won or lost.
The intention behind this practice is usually pure.
We don’t want kids to feel bad.
We don’t want them to feel embarrassed or discouraged.
We want to protect their self-esteem.
But over time, this well-meaning approach can send an unintended message:
Losing isn’t okay.
Or worse—you can’t handle losing.
What We Teach When Everyone Always Gets a Prize All the Time
When every child receives a reward every time a game is played—regardless of the outcome—we may unintentionally teach children that:
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Losing is something to be avoided or softened
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Discomfort must be immediately fixed
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You should always “get something” to feel okay
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Winning and rewards are necessary for fulfillment
The hidden lesson becomes:
If I don’t win, something must be wrong—or someone needs to make it better for me.
Instead of learning how to cope with disappointment, kids learn to expect protection from it.
Winning and Losing Are Not the Point—But They Do Matter
One common response adults use is:
“Winning or losing doesn’t matter.”
While well-intended, this statement often feels untrue to children.
Winning does feel better than losing.
Kids know that. Pretending otherwise can invalidate their experience.
What actually matters is the deeper message:
Winning or losing does not define your value, worth, or identity.
Kids can hold both truths at the same time:
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“I wanted to win, and I’m disappointed.”
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“I am still okay. I still matter.”
That ability doesn’t develop automatically—it has to be modeled and practiced.
Why Losing Is an Important Life Skill
Losing helps children learn to:
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Regulate emotions
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Tolerate frustration
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Separate effort from outcome
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Persist after failure
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Respect others’ success
These are not “extra” skills. They are foundational for learning, relationships, and long-term resilience.
If children never practice losing in low-stakes environments (like games), they struggle much more when the stakes are higher—grades, friendships, tryouts, or real-world setbacks.
Practical Ways to Build Healthy Attitudes Around Winning & Losing
1. Sometimes Play Games With No Prizes at All
Let the joy come from:
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playing together
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problem-solving
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laughing
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competing for fun
This reinforces that the experience itself has value.
2. Sometimes Play Games Where Only the Winner Gets a Prize
This is important.
It teaches children:
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the outcome matters in that moment
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disappointment is survivable
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fairness doesn’t always mean equality
Support kids through the feelings—but don’t remove the experience.
3. Sometimes Reward Effort—With Something Extra for the Winner
You might:
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praise everyone’s effort
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acknowledge persistence
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give the winner a bonus or special role
This reinforces:
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effort is valued
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outcomes still exist
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both can be true at the same time
4. Model What It Looks Like to Be a Sore Loser (On Purpose!)
This works incredibly well with kids.
Dramatically sigh.
Cross your arms.
Say something silly like, “I will NEVER recover from this!”
Then pause—and talk about it.
Kids laugh, but they also see how ridiculous it looks. It opens the door to conversation without shaming.
5. Model and Practice Being a Gracious Loser
Say things like:
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“I’m disappointed, but I’ll be okay.”
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“Good game.”
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“I’m proud of how I tried.”
Practice these phrases. They don’t come naturally to most kids—or adults.
6. Model and Practice Being a Kind Winner
Also important: show what not to do.
Model:
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bragging
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rubbing it in
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celebrating at others’ expense
Then contrast it with:
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“Thanks for playing with me.”
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“You did a great job.”
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“That was fun.”
Kids need to learn that how you win matters.
7. Use Prizes That Aren’t “Stuff”
Rewards don’t have to be toys, candy, or trinkets.
Healthy alternatives:
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Winner goes first
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Winner chooses the next activity
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Winner is the line leader
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Winner picks a read-aloud
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Winner gets to skip a chore
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Losers clean up (or sometimes the winner does!)
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Extra free time
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A special responsibility
These reinforce contribution and responsibility—not consumption.
8. Comment on Attitudes, Not Outcomes
Try:
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“I noticed you kept trying.”
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“You handled that disappointment well.”
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“I liked how you congratulated the winner.”
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“That was respectful, even though it was hard.”
This teaches kids what actually matters.
The Bigger Picture
When we always cushion losing, we don’t protect children—we limit them.
Our goal isn’t to make kids feel good all the time.
Our goal is to help them believe:
I can feel disappointed—and still be okay.
Winning is fun.
Losing is hard.
Neither defines who you are.
And that lesson—learned early, practiced often—is one of the most powerful gifts we can give children.
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